Unhappiness by Comparison

“That person is more successful than me.”

“Looking at my friend’s SNS made my life seem miserable.”

Living in the modern age, we compare ourselves with others as if breathing. Annual income, appearance, number of followers, presence of a partner, children’s grades… The targets of comparison are infinite, and each time we alternate between joy and sorrow, and in many cases, are quietly hurt.

President Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This quote carries unprecedented weight in modern times where comparison does not stop 24 hours a day, 365 days a year due to the internet.

Why can’t we stop comparing even though we know it makes us unhappy? Behind it lie our brain’s old programs and the structural traps of modern society that skillfully exploit them. And to get out of it, concrete strategies and knowledge are needed, not just mindset.

In this article, we expose the true nature of the “Comparison Disease” that eats away at us and provide an antidote to live by your own ruler, not someone else’s. In particular, we dig deep into the “force of comparison” embedded in the social structure and the concrete mindset transformation to become free from it.

Key Points

• Brain Bug and Social Trap: Comparison was a “survival strategy” in primitive times, but in modern times, capitalism uses it as an “anxiety manufacturing device” to fuel consumption.
• Manufactured Sense of Lack: Advertising and media profit by making you believe “you are not enough as you are.” Noticing that exploitation structure is the first step.
• Game Without Winners: Even if you win the comparison competition, only “fear of falling” and “further craving” exist there. Peace of mind is outside the competition.
• Return to Absolute Value: True confidence can only be obtained by stopping comparison with others (relative evaluation) and focusing on your own senses and growth (absolute evaluation).

1. Why We Compare: Double Bind of Evolution and Society

Fear of Being Ostracized: The Brain’s Old Program

In the savanna tens of thousands of years ago, the greatest fear for humans was “being expelled from the herd.” Because loneliness meant death. Therefore, our ancestors developed the ability to constantly observe their surroundings and check, “Am I doing well?” “Am I behaving like everyone else?” “Am I inferior to someone?”

This “social comparison function” was once a necessary radar for survival, but in safe modern society, it functions as a bug generating excessive anxiety. Just because a neighbor bought a luxury car doesn’t mean your life is threatened. However, the old part of the brain misidentifies it as “decline in rank within the herd = crisis of survival” and creates a strong stress response (cortisol secretion). We are feeling stress as if being chased by a mammoth from SNS timelines in an era without mammoths.

Traps of Upward and Downward Comparison

In psychology, comparing with someone superior is called “upward comparison,” and comparing with someone inferior is called “downward comparison.” Neither leads to happiness.

Upward comparison can sometimes be temporary motivation to “do my best too,” but in many cases, it breeds intense inferiority and helplessness like “how useless I am.” On the other hand, downward comparison gives cheap relief like “I’m better off than that person,” but that is “makeshift happiness built on others’ misfortune,” which is very fragile and causes character distortion. When we can only feel relieved by “being above someone,” we are in eternal anxiety.

2. Society Selling “Lack”: Brainwashing by Ads and Media

Manufactured “Sense of Lack”

It is not just an individual mental problem that we cannot stop comparing. We need to face the fact that the social system itself intentionally fuels “comparison” and “lack” to spin the economy.

Modern media and advertising constantly present images of ideal lives and success, continuing to fuel desire. TV, magazines, the internet, and even SNS are filled with ads sending messages like “You will be happy if you get this” or “You can be superior to others if you use this.” Such information imprints on our unconsciousness, guiding consumption behavior and further reinforcing the consciousness of comparison and competition.

The figures of successful people portrayed by media and the ideal lifestyles shown by ads are often far from reality and beautified by staging and editing. However, we don’t notice that and feel “this is what it should be,” “I must get closer to this.” For example, owners of luxury cars, high-end brands, and model-like figures are portrayed as symbols of happiness, and we are made to think “I am not enough yet” unless we obtain them.

Ads are made to stimulate people’s “sense of lack” and are skillfully designed so that we continue to be dissatisfied with ourselves. By repeating messages like “more beautiful,” “more successful,” “richer,” targets of comparison are always presented before our eyes, making us realize we fall short. These advertising methods make us feel as if it’s our choice, but actually succeed in controlling our behavior and using us as members of the consumption society. If you become satisfied with your appearance or life, they are in trouble because products won’t sell.

Media as a Propaganda Device

Furthermore, we cannot overlook the propaganda element of media. News, special programs, and even reviews by influencers sometimes transmit information in line with the intentions of advertisers and sponsors. Through this, our perceptions and values are intentionally manipulated by media, and specific products or lifestyles are implanted as “normal” or “ideal.” For example, by frequently showing specific brands as symbols of successful people, we are led to feel “I am inferior for not owning that brand.”

Such information manipulation can be said to be a clever trick to exploit us unconsciously. The “ideal image” presented by advertisers and media often imposes impossible standards on us, making us continue unfulfilled consumption by trying to approach it. Because this structure functions as part of spinning the economy, it promotes society as a whole to move in the direction of fueling comparison and competition.

Cycle of Vanity and Ostentation

Moreover, the influence of media and ads extends beyond individual psychology to the values of society as a whole. People are made to believe that it is a society where “having” and “showing” are evaluated, and vanity and ostentation become the driving force of action. As a result, seeking apparent success wastes much time and money, distancing us from spiritual fulfillment. Working by cutting sleep to buy a brand bag. Ordering without knowing the taste of food to take Instagrammable photos. This is a waste of life putting the cart before the horse.

It is necessary to notice the traps of such media and ads and re-examine your own values without being misled. Being released from unconsciously manipulated comparison and desire and finding what you truly want to cherish is an important step to getting out of “unhappiness by comparison.”

3. Digital Masochism: The Hell Called SNS

Folly of Comparison Highlights and Behind-the-Scenes

SNS is a device that amplifies the deadly poison of comparison. Pastor Steven Furtick said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

The glittering photos flowing on Instagram are the best one (miracle shot) out of dozens taken, and further fictionalized with filters. Behind that must be muddy daily life like messy rooms, marital quarrels, and anxiety about the future. But that is not visible on SNS. You are comparing your muddy reality (behind-the-scenes) with others’ staged fiction (highlights) and getting depressed, thinking “everyone looks happy, why only me.” This is as unfair and meaningless as comparing yourself with a movie protagonist and getting depressed.

“Like” Addiction and Self-Loss

Worse, we start measuring our value by the number of “likes.” Quantified approval stimulates the brain’s reward system and makes us crave more and more. Rather than enjoying the experience itself (delicious meal or beautiful scenery), the purpose becomes “how to post to get a good reaction (how to look better than others),” surrendering the initiative of life to others. Living by others’ evaluation axes is synonymous with abandoning the right to live your own life.

4. Winners are also Losers: The Endless Race

Hedonic Treadmill (Treadmill of Pleasure)

“But won’t I be happy if I win the comparison competition and reach the top?” you might think. Unfortunately, the answer is NO. Psychology has a cruel concept called the “Hedonic Treadmill.”

Even if income rises or status is gained, that happiness does not last long. Humans immediately “get used” to that state and start seeking higher levels. Even living in a tower condo, you worry about residents on higher floors, then the top floor penthouse… desire has no ceiling. Like a treadmill where the scenery doesn’t change no matter how much you run, the craving of “not enough” never disappears no matter how much you obtain.

Fear of Falling

Confidence gained through comparison is very fragile. Confidence like “I’m amazing because I earn more than others” or “I have value because I’m more beautiful than others” collapses the moment someone “earning more than you” or “more beautiful than you” appears. Or, you continue to be frightened of losing that status by aging or failing.

Winners of the comparison game live caught between the superiority of looking down on losers and the fear of being dragged down someday. There is no true peace there. Winning or losing is hell. That is the essence of the comparison game.

5. Survival from Comparison Hell: From Relative Value to Absolute Value

Regaining “Standards of Happiness” to Yourself

So, how can we escape from this hell? The answer is a shift from “relative value” to “absolute value.”

Relative value is value determined by comparison with others, like “I have more than Mr. A” or “I am above average.” On the other hand, absolute value is value completed within yourself, like “I like this,” “I can do this better than yesterday’s self,” “I lived my best today.”

Not winning against someone, but you being convinced. Not being praised by others, but you being engrossed. Not vertical ranking, but unique horizontal expansion. Change your life from a “race for competition” to a “canvas for self-expression.”

Compare Only with Past Self

The only healthy comparison allowed is comparison with “past self.” Compared to yourself a year ago, what did you learn, what did you feel, how did you change? If there is growth there, you are doing fine. It doesn’t matter how far ahead others are. You are running your marathon. You don’t need to run others’ courses.

Transform “Amazing People” into “Reference Material”

If you still care about others, for example, if you get jealous seeing someone, that is a chance to know “what you want.” Jealousy is a sign of suppressed desire. Instead of reacting emotionally like “It’s unfair only he gets that,” analyze “what part of this person am I attracted to?” and convert it to action like “what can I do to incorporate that element into myself?” Don’t end jealousy with “envy,” use it up as “learning” material (resource).

6. Rebuilding Self-Esteem: Stacking Small Approvals

Power to Acknowledge Yourself

The key to regaining true confidence lies in “self-esteem.” However, self-esteem is not assuming “I am amazing.” It is the power to accept yourself as you are without evaluation.

First, to raise self-esteem, it is important to acknowledge and evaluate your small successes and efforts. In daily life, try to look at “what I could do” and “what I achieved” without comparing with others. For example, small results at work, realizations and ingenuity in daily life, efforts for hobbies or skill-up. Find moments you can be proud of and honestly rejoice in them. Even if others don’t praise you, you become your own number one fan. Stacking such small self-approvals gradually sprouts the sense that “I am okay as I am.”

Regaining Your Values

Next, it is necessary to re-examine your own values. In modern society, we are influenced by external information and others’ values and tend to lose sight of what is truly important. Therefore, it is required to have time to listen to your true feelings and reconfirm the definition of “happiness” and “success” for you.

Choose because “I feel comfortable,” not because “everyone says it’s good.” By finding moments of joy in daily life and things you can enjoy from the heart, what you truly seek should become clear without worrying about others’ eyes. As your self-axis becomes thicker, you will no longer be shaken by others’ words and actions.

7. Gratitude and Immersion: Noticing Happiness Here and Now

Noticing the Miracle of “Taken for Granted”

The strongest tool to break the chain of comparison is “gratitude.” Comparison is “asking for what you don’t have,” but gratitude is “looking for what you have.”

Looking at the current situation again and recognizing “how grateful it is just to be alive” is also indispensable to break the chain of comparison. In daily life, we tend to overlook the small happiness of everyday life that we take for granted, such as being healthy, having family and friends. We are distracted by visible results and material success and forget to appreciate this moment.

However, having life, spending days, and your own existence overcoming difficulties are truly precious. By noticing the value of this “taken for granted,” the necessity to compare yourself with others fades, and you will be able to feel your own life more importantly. There is no gap for jealousy or inferiority to enter a heart filled with gratitude.

For example, before going to bed at night, write down three good things or things you can be grateful for that day. “The rice was delicious,” “The sky was beautiful,” “My family is healthy.” Raising the sensitivity to notice happiness at your feet leaves no time to look at the neighbor’s lawn.

Escaping to an Incomparable World (Immersion)

Creating new habits not to compare with others is also effective. By increasing time to immerse yourself in hobbies, exercise, meditation, contact with nature, etc., without worrying about others’ evaluation, mental stability can be obtained.

Especially, time to concentrate on what you like or are good at triggers facing your inner self, blocking external influence, and helping rebuild your own values. Enjoying proceeding at your own pace is the key to naturally acquiring a way of life that does not compare with others. When completely concentrating on “here and now” (flow state), the concept of comparison disappears. How much you can increase that time in your life determines your happiness level.

8. Practice Work: “Jealousy Analysis Sheet” to Turn Jealousy into Energy

Finally, we introduce a concrete framework to turn the emotion called jealousy into “fuel for self-growth.” Jealousy is “your potential that you have not permitted yet.” Don’t put a lid on emotions, try analyzing with the following steps.

4 Steps of Jealousy Analysis

1. Target (Who): Who did you feel irritated or unsettled by?
2. Element (What): Specifically “what” about that person are you envious of? (e.g., Money? Free time? Being praised?)
3. True Feeling (Why): Why are you envious of that? What “limitations” or “resignation” do you have inside you? (e.g., Are you thinking “It’s unfair even though I am enduring”?)
4. Action (How): What is a “small step” you can take today to incorporate that element into your life?

If you feel jealousy, think “Chance!” and open your notebook. Because it is a sign that your soul is screaming “I want to go there!”

Your life is not a match to determine superiority or inferiority with someone. It is your own story that only you can taste. Stop looking at others’ matches from the audience seats and scoring them, stand on the court, and hit your own ball. Putting your heart into each one of those balls is the only way to satisfy you.